the cold envies the flowers
There’s a Korean expression that I recently picked up from BTS’s V LIVE livestream, uttered randomly by the group’s leader RM: “꽃샘추위”. Literally translated it means something like “the cold envies the flowers”, and relates to how, when winter is about to end and spring is just starting, winter becomes envious as it doesn’t want to leave, and gives off a final chilly blast in retaliation. Kind of a “the night is always darkest before the dawn” vibe.
Twitter commentary on what seemed like a random outburst by RM seemed to conclude that perhaps he had accidentally given a spoiler for future BTS music to come, since fellow member Jimin quickly looked at him with a “you done did it again” glance of alarm and RM shut up quickly. Or maybe it was nothing.
If you think about it, the expression would be an apt way to describe this current season, both literally and figuratively. Winter is wrapping up, yet it seems colder than ever. Vaccines are being more widely distributed by the day, yet it seems like the world is still so far away from being normal — from international travel resuming, from concerts being held, from large family dinners, from full classrooms.
Like when you’re on a hike and the last stretch is purely stairs, and you’re out of water. Despite knowing that there’s a beautiful view ahead it’s just out of reach; things suck at the moment and you want to give up.
After getting things off of my chest last week and acknowledging online and offline my current struggle with depression, I feel lighter already. I should be clear that at no point during this depression have I felt suicidal. I am fiercely determined to live and make the most of my life, to follow my passions, to be useful and helpful. And as a silver lining of this depression, I finally found my way to BTS and now have an equally fierce determination to see them in concert before I die. I bought an ARMY bomb light stick already. This is serious stuff.
But a resolution to live and a deep depression can coexist. I want to live because I know that there is hope, that good things are in store, that I have a role to play. But those abstract concepts seem farther out in the distance than the immediate challenges in front of me and obstacles in the way of contentment and happiness. Challenges like burnout, loneliness, spiritual apathy. Feeling the multiple layers and meanings of the word Lost.
So in the meantime, I’m counting on the little happinesses that are carrying me through, like hand warmers to tuck into my pockets. “Little” in that they sort of piecemeal come together and replenish my HP, like hearts that you collect in a Legend of Zelda game. Costco, calls with friends, singing in the car, cooking, a good meal out, and even to some degree, work (another paradox is that as burnt out as I am there is no stopping work so I’m resolving myself to be as high-performing as I can be and to find happiness in that. Very high chance this will come back to haunt me). The “big” thing that is keeping me going now is being able to go home, to restock hearts in full, maybe even expand my capacity, like those heart containers that expand Link’s life gauge (had to look up this terminology since it’s been so long).
At some point, spring will come. Things will get better. Yet I’m frosted over for the time being and might need a bit more time to thaw.
